flight
June was always Jessica’s favourite month of the year but until today she had never known why. For most of her friends, it was April, where the first warm rays of light broke over the Hudson and the pink blossoms painted the walkways of Washington Park. But though she could see the city come to life, it wasn’t until the start of Summer - the first week after Memorial Weekend - that she finally felt among it, taken aloft, like a swallow drawn to migration by the last wind of the year. On the bench opposite, she watched as a girl reached a spoon into an ice cream, its soft, white dunes melting in the sun. She studied her and smiled when the girl looked up, but the girl ignored her.
“Is this your secret spot?” David asked.
Jessica nodded. He sat down on the bench, placing a brown bag in the space between them. She didn’t say anything, instead he busied himself with the bag, his jacket pockets (appearing he’d lost something but then finding it), and finally briefly inspecting his shoes, before glancing at her again.
“I didn’t know what you wanted,” he began, “so I bought sushi, all the rolls I could think of” he shrugged. It was from Laurie’s - an expensive spot on the corner of 4th and Ave that only the seniors went to and - on rare occasion if it happened to be an out to lunch meeting for a partner or on the way back to the office - a junior or paralegal. He pulled the little containers and laid them out neatly in the empty space between their legs, balancing the tiny trays of soy sauce on the paper bag to even the surface underneath. She took the chopsticks from him, snapped them in two and pincered a piece of tuna into her mouth. He looked at her but didn’t say anything.
“So last night –” she said after a long pause, “was…” she half-smiled, “fun.”
“Yes,” he replied, nodding enthusiastically and in a way that made him appear slightly boyish, “it was.”
“I don’t think I’ve seen you dance before.” She smiled. “Except on the ski trip, but the less said about that the better.
He laughed. “I’ll take that,” he replied, staring into the distance.
“I liked it.” She said after a pause, “I mean, I liked dancing with you.”
He turned toward her. “I was surprised.”
“Really?”
“I didn’t think,” he stopped, unsure, “I mean, you’re very sweet. Everyone says that. But I thought you might think it was inappropriate.”
“Everyone says I’m sweet?” Jessica said, ignoring him.
“Well, not everyone,” He replied jovially.
“So just you then.” She stared at him.
He looked at her nervously. “You’re toying with me.”
“No I’m not,” she said, flatly.
The skin around his face reddened and he glanced down at the grass beneath them. The silence between them grew, slowly at first, while she refused to speak and instead picked up another piece of sushi. She let it grow until it was almost uncomfortable, then opened her mouth to speak.
“How long have you thought I was sweet?”
He glanced at her shyly. “A while,” he said, then thought for a moment, “since New Years, last year.”
“Last year!” she suddenly blurted out. The girl across from them looked up confused.
“Well,” he said, pushing the frames of his glasses closer to his face, “I wasn’t sure.”
“You weren’t sure?” she said sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.
“I mean,” he said.
“You seemed sure last night,” she said, tilting her head.
“It’s a little more complicated,” he answered, taking a long, slow exhale.
“Because I’m a paralegal?” she glanced at him and then looked out towards the park. In the near distance she could see the towers of downtown and just about make out the silver, rectangular outline of their building.
“It’s not like that.” He tried to catch her eye but she would not look at him.
She placed her hands in her lap. An elderly woman with a walking frame moved past, a blue shopping bag sagging from the railing, and Jessica watched her as she slowly pulled to the bench nearby, stopping for a break. She felt David’s hand reach across and touch her forearm, a jolt went through her body.
“It’s not like that,” He repeated.
He paused, then leant forward. Up until last night he had rarely had the opportunity to be this close to her and he stopped to appreciate a small freckle on her cheek. “I like you Jessica,” he said, squeezing her forearm gently.
She glanced down at her ground, suddenly very aware of her own feelings. In the office she would often hear the other women in her team talking about ‘the quiet one’ or the ‘one with the glasses’ and knew they were talking about David, and how much they all secretly wanted to be noticed by him. Mostly they gossiped, talking in fantasies, imagining how he spent his weekends, what car he drove, whether he was in a relationship, if he’d ever been married. In truth no one knew very much about him other than he was very hard working, well respected, and one day would likely be head of the firm. In light of this - although in truth more out of defensive posturing - Jessica had always treated him with slightly higher degree of professionalism than the other partners; with even more emphasis on case preparation than she was known for, and in meetings with a degree of commercial atunement that wasn’t necessary for her role. She was aware this could have been read as coolness or even ladder-climbing on her part, but hoped, secretly at least, that he might see in her something admirable. Only now, with him leaning towards her, did she feel suddenly exposed by the obvious deliberateness of her plan.
“That’s nice,” she said out loud and to no one in particular. Suddenly she felt the hot, sticky heat of the midday sun as it hung in the air. She looked down at the bench, the white serviettes with the “L” embossed on them in gold leaf.
“I guess it's not right for you to be seen like this.” She said, not looking at him. “Having lunch with an assistant.”
David took his hand away from her arm. “You’re not my assistant.” He replied quickly.
“You know what I mean.”
He leant back against the bench, loosening his tie and unbuttoning his collar. He looked out into the distance, to what she couldn’t tell, and let out a long, slow exhale.
“All this time. Is it because you’re embarrassed of me?” she asked after a long pause.
“No,” he replied, suddenly serious.
“So what then?” she said, looking at him. “Janet and Matthew are dating. So are Paul and Christine. They’re just the couples the company knows about.”
He nodded. He of course knew of more relationships but didn’t say anything. “There are wider considerations,” he said, turning to her.
“Because you’re destined for greatness?” she said, half-jokingly.
He leant back slightly and made his expression into one of courteous but uncomfortable acknowledgement.
“It could cause issues,” he said, “for both of us.”
On the far side of the park, across from the playing area, a young couple - college students - were sitting kissing. Jessica watched them.
“So why did you tell me?” She asked after a moment, placing her hand over the space where he had touched her.
“I could sense something,” he said, “but last night when I held you, I realized it was more than that.”
“You're making it sound like it’s a problem.” She said, suddenly defensive. “A file to solve.”
He glanced down, painfully, and she regretted how it had come across.
“I’m sorry –” he said, but Jessica had already begun saying the same.
“I’m not very good at this,” he said. He reached forward and looked her in the eyes. He brushed a strand of hair away from her face.
She blushed and tilted her head so her face slid into the palm of his hand. She wanted him to pull her forward, to kiss, but he only looked at her, his brown eyes longing.
Neither of them said anything and instead, Jessica leant forward and placed a hand on his knee. He glanced down at it and then looked at her. A hot sensation rushed upwards through his body swirling into his chest and filling him with a watery, warm feeling which he allowed himself to experience for a moment before a trickle of fear.
“I want to.” He pulled his hand away from her. He tried to counsel himself in the hot air. Just beyond he could hear the sound of children playing on the swings and a couple cycling past talking loudly about the first day of summer. He closed his eyes for a moment but when he reopened them Jessica had taken her hand away and was no longer looking at him, but instead, across the park, watching the young couple as they got up to leave.
She turned towards him and tilted her head girlishly and in a way that made him long to explain all the things he had been feeling, the scenarios that he had run in his mind, the images he imagined of them together. But before he opened his mouth, she had put her hand on his shoulder and looked at him, her expression made into one of calm understanding, and he didn’t speak, they only sat in silence, watching the passersby, on the stillest day in the city he could remember in a long while.